I am a violently, almost desperately ambitious man. My drive to create, and to rank among the best in whatever field I pursue, is overwhelming. And I am never, ever satisfied with my performance.
Allow me to give some context to this claim. In high school, I took college courses while teaching myself to play guitar and compose, simultaneously completing a two-hundred and thirty-six page novel. In college, I worked with my friends to create a video game—from scratch, using absolutely no middleware—that beat out hundreds of other competitors to be a finalist in multiple international independent game competitions, while also putting the finishing touches on a concept album I started in high school. Professionally, I have worked on multiple entries in one of the most definitive video game franchises of my generation. I am twenty-four, and I own a house.
AND I AM STILL NOT SATISFIED.
My time is very, VERY valuable to me. I want, with an intense and irrevocable passion, and there are so many facets to that want that I cannot afford any amount of waste. I never pursue anything without an explicit purpose, and it is with that truth in mind that I am writing today.
One of you recently stated that you were (and probably still are) unsure of what I want from you. Hearing this surprised me, since as a general rule I endeavor to be as transparent in my desires as possible. This forced me to pause, and to reassess what I want to attain, exploring my fetish via this medium.
Back in July, I started using this blog—like most of you—as nothing more than an outlet. While I certainly was not discovering bimbofication for the first time, I wanted to actually create and contribute content, as opposed to exclusively consuming it. But—also like most of you—as time went on, my intentions changed, perhaps unconsciously. I put more into this blog, and hoped to get more out of it.
In a way it’s frustrating, as all of the reasons that these intentions failed to come to fruition are entirely unrelated to incompetence. If I had fumbled, I could blame myself and work toward rectifying the mistakes I had made. But I am damn good at what I do, and there is nothing to blame but unfortunate coincidence. Circumstantially, I am wholly displeased with what I am getting from this blog, and I do not anticipate that scenario changing anytime soon.
It should be fairly obvious by now, the conclusion toward which I am driving. If the return on my investments is waning, I have two options: I can augment the amount I am investing and attempt to salvage a failing operation, or I can bail and cut my loses. Unfortunately, too many other components of my life would suffer were I to attempt the former. And so I am going to seek out other ventures. There is much I can put my time and creative energy toward, and if I’m going to wear myself out, I plan to do so on endeavors I find fulfilling.
Of course, I won’t shut this blog down entirely. I am very proud of the work I’ve done—especially near the end, which is also frustrating, since that is when I had the least amount of time available to me—and I certainly don’t want that to go to waste. However, this will almost certainly be my last post for a very long while.
I must stress, too, that this is absolutely NOT a rejection of this fetish, nor of this community. Repressing these desires is impossible, and I’ve enjoyed interacting with all of you more than words can say. I applaud those of you who have the capacity to continue exploring; there are few human endeavors more noble than the pursuit of desire. No, this is simply a reaction to the coincidental structure of my personal life, and how difficult is has become to feel satisfied by this blog.
For those of you whom I’ve grown attached to, this doesn’t mean that you will never hear from me. Much to the contrary, I absolutely intend to maintain the friendships I’ve built behind the veil of bimbofication. This does mean, though, that I will neither be checking tumblr nor updating this blog for the indefinite future.
I look forward to returning. Someday.